One Is Not Like The Other

by Cathy

Have you known families with kids that are freakishly...the same? It usually works in extremes - the kids are all either obedient bookworms or misbehaving behemoths. In theory, it makes complete sense...if you use the same parenting technique with all the kids, they should all turn out the same way, right?

Wrong. Way wrong.

Since the very beginning when Ari, my second one, was born, I was always comparing everything she did to her older sister. It started when in the early weeks of her life when I tucked Ari in her crib for a nice, long afternoon nap that I fully expected her to take at this point because Bella did. I too settled into my bed next to her for some much needed shut-eye. Before I could fully drift off, maybe about thirty minutes later, she was up cooing and whining in her crib. I was groggy, shaky and annoyed. 'How come she doesn't take full naps?' I would say tiredly to my husband. 'Bella wasn't a catnapper!'

I would continue to do it. By this age: "Bella read more books; Bella was able to write her name; Bella never cried this much; Bella was never this headstrong; Bella listened to me; Bella never watched this much TV." They don't even like the same foods!

For every one of these comments, my husband was always quick to dismantle my conclusions. 'Yes, she did/was' or 'No, she didn't/wasn't' was usually what came out of his mouth. 'You just don't remember correctly,' he would always say to me. Really? Was I that nuts that I didn't remember these exact little things I am specifically mentioning?

Well I DO know my kids well enough to note the following differences I see between them:
Example A:
Bella is very emotional, naive, quiet and painfully honest with me about everything. When I used to pack her lunches at school, she never threw away what she didn't eat because I told her to specifically bring it home so I can see how much and what she ate that day. Even though she knew that if she brought a lot of food back, I would reprimand her for not eating. This would happen almost every day, but it never occurred to her to throw it away to avoid the confrontation with me at home. Ari on the other hand, brought her lunchbox home empty on the first day, even though I knew she couldn't have eaten everything I put in there. "Where's all of your food?" I asked her.
"I ate it," she replied.
"ALL of it?" I pressured.
"Yes."
Only when Bella jumped in and questioned her did she 'mess up' and be honest. "I threw it away," she said quietly.
After I didn't pack her preferred lunch items of choice on the first day of school, the next morning she actually sat down on the kitchen floor and started opening up her lunchbox.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I want to see what you packed me for lunch," she bossily replied. "I didn't like what you gave me yesterday." As if I was going to change it. But I had to smile at her gall and determination. Bella would never dare do that.

Example B:
Bella always kept her hair accessories in her hair; she came home looking exactly as she did when she left for school that morning, expect with a few obligatory flyaways. Ari leaves the house impeccably combed with pigtails and barrettes, and returns with her curly hair settled wildly around her face and shoulders - a disheveled mess.
Example C:
As I mentioned above, Bella is honest. Ari is a big time fibber. She fibs: when she doesn't know how to answer; when she's trying to cover up something sneaky she did; when she thinks we won't notice; to get what she wants; to get out of trouble. She is also waaaaay more stubborn than her sister. Okay, I couldn't help the comparison :)

At my husband's urging, I am now capable of recognizong their differences - who they are, their souls, their colorful personalities - instead of comparing them based on external abilities or behaviors.  I stopped expecting them to be cloned into one another, mainly because it would make my job easier.  I've come to not only accept them each for their amazing, individual personalities but also their accomplishments, strengths and interests.

And when I let go of my expectations, I feel freedom in that I am allowing them to grow into who they were each meant to be.