It's Gonna Be a Great Day!

by Patti

This morning I was squatting down in front of the open refrigerator, grabbing some snacks for S’s lunch. In a hurry, as usual, I stood up too fast and BAM! My eye met the corner of the freezer door in such a way one would think I had slept with that freezer door’s boyfriend.

I immediately saw those cartoon stars and bent over in agony, cupping my eye and cussing. S ran over to see if I was okay, and all I could do was mumble some sort of tortured gibberish. “Eee you toa mee noo lakash!”

Still mindful of the fact that she was going to miss the bus if we didn’t hustle, I grabbed a bag of frozen peas and stuck it on my throbbing eye, envisioning the huge, black, swollen look I would soon sport, and continued about my morning activities.

M wandered into the kitchen to find out what all the commotion was about, and found me with the peas on my eye while at the same time smearing cream cheese on S’s toast. “I slammed my eye into the fridge”, I told him. He looked at me and rolled his (non-swollen, non-bruised) eyes. I quickly flashbacked to the early days of our love when my slamming my eye into the refrigerator would have immediately elicited a hug and a thousand tender kisses on my battered eye. Back to reality: He yawned and left. I yelled out to him,“And I’m going to tell everyone you beat me up!”

I drove to work icing my eye, and on the way pulled into a Starbucks for some coffee and a breakfast sandwich. I went into the store, my stomach growling in anticipation. I placed my order and when I reached into my bag to pull out my wallet, I realized there was no wallet. I fumbled through my purse for a few minutes, as if doing so would make it suddenly magically appear. “Uh… I don’t have my wallet…” I told the cashier.


“That’s okay – you can go out to your car and we’ll hold your order for you….”

“It’s not there – I left it at home.”

“Oh. Well….” She subtly pulled the sandwich closer to her, as if I might just snatch it and run out of the store. Which, I might have. Because I was THAT hungry. “We already started your coffee order, so why don’t you just take it and you can pay us tomorrow.”

I thanked the crap out of her and silently wondered if my swollen, boxer eye had anything to do with her sympathy. Then I wondered what else could go wrong today.

As I was getting into my car, I noticed a weird stain on the back of my pant leg – my WHITE pant leg - near the calf. I sat down and pulled up my pant leg, and discovered a clump of dried blood on the back of my leg. That’s when I remembered that I had shaved my legs this morning, because I DO still do that from time to time, and that sharp pain I felt when I did so? That was me apparently SLICING myself open. The blood had dripped down my calf, and, in my usual morning rush, I failed to notice. So of COURSE I slipped on my WHITE pants, which served as a nice lil’ mopping device for the blood that was geysering out of my leg.

And then I punched myself in the eye with the freezer door.

And then I forgot my wallet and only drank sympathy coffee for breakfast.

And now I sit here with my throbbing eye, my growling stomach, and my bloody white pants.