Home Spa Pit-Stop

This may or may not have something to do with me celebrating a birthday next week, but tonight, as I was getting ready for bed, I noticed how much LONGER my bedtime routine has become.

Seemingly overnight, I have come to realize how my face and body have jumped into high maintenance status. No longer can I just get away with brushing and flossing and cleansing my face of makeup. Nooooooo. It has become a full-blown spa pit-stop. Only instead of a crew of eight guys virtually overhauling a race car in 12.5 seconds, it's lonely old me, doing the job of virtually every health and beauty expert out there, in no less than half an hour.

Here's my routine:

1) Floss and brush teeth
2) Wash face
3) Use toner on face - to remove excess built-in dirt and pray that it lives up to claims of shrinking crater-sized pores on my face.
4) Slap some Olay Regenerist firming lotion on my jowls, and again, pray they lift.
5) While I'm at it, use some on my neck, especially the deeply engraved neck wrinkle that appeared virtually overnight, going clear across my neck, like a choker.
6) Whip out some facial serum that claims to reduce fine line and wrinkles. Make sure I douse that all over the frown lines between my brows, forehead lines and parenthesis that have formed on either side of my mouth. I make a mental note to stop sleeping on my face. Then I go over my whole face with a light moisturizer.
7) Pluck stray eyebrow hairs and for the 100th time, make a note to call and make a professional eyebrow shaping appointment.
7) Reach for the Vaseline (yeah, I know, it's petroleum jelly but I'm desperate at this point) and dab some on my crows feet. While I'm at it, I dab some on my eyebrows in an upward motion to keep their shape. By the way, EVERYTHING is applied in an upward motion.
8) Since I'm a side-sleeper, I lotion up my chest and decolletage area all the way up to my neck. Already getting those sleep lines there. Make a mental note to sleep on my back without a pillow.
9) While I'm slathering the cream, I rub some on my crackly ass elbows and moisten up my hands.
10) Speaking of crackly, I reach for the Vaseline again (from crows feet to feet feet) and cake that on my heels, which for the love of God, can't get soft even after all the pumicing and lotioning in the world. Dab some Vaseline on my dry lips as well, making sure I go OUTSIDE my lip line to prevent those ugly upper lip fan lines. Ugh.

So right when I think I'm ready for bed, I get a glimpse of my upper arms in the mirror. Damn you, summer. I grab the free weights and start my reps. Standing. Sitting. Laying on the floor. Jiggle - lift - grunt - repeat.
Now I can't neglect the rest of my body, so I throw in some crunches and squats and call it a night.

Mind you, this is all done after a day of being on the lookout for gray hairs that need coloring, taking my 20-minute jog, waxing my bikini line, shaving my armpits and legs (again, damn you summer) and ALL while making mental notes:
Sit up straight. Tighten. Don't slouch. Stretch. Do Kegels. Eat fiber. Take my multivitamin and calcium. Keep head up. Tighten. Don't frown. Smile. Do Kegels. Tighten. Use this opportunity to exercise. Schedule a manicure. Don't forget perfume. Accessorize. Do kegels. Look cute and put together. Tighten. Stay sane. Getting old sucks. Fight it every step of the way...until you can afford all this upkeep professionally.

-Cathy