Leg Lift

by Patti


I like to work out.

It makes me feel good about myself and gives me the opportunity to purge all the bitchery that builds up inside of me throughout the day.

What I don’t like is trying to maintain my dignity while figuring out how to use some of those damned machines. I mean, really, they’re not that complicated, but there are so many pins and slats and chains and heavy metal-y things; I’d rather just do push-ups.

I had been intrigued by a machine at the gym; this newfangled contraption that was huge and imposing, and looked like it would make me look buff in seconds. But it was always being used by sweaty grunting guys, and well, just… no. Finally, one day it was unoccupied, so I decided to give it a shot. The machine had this platform thing to stand on, and a little panel to program your weight, your resistance, and how many reps you wish to do. I did as instructed, and then WOOSH! The machine gave off this pressure-filled sound, which I found out was the resistance building up. As soon as the wooshing stopped, I began my reps, and woo(sh)! I was officially on my way to Madonna arms!

When I was done, arms shaking and feeling frail, I stepped off the platform. I put one foot down onto the ground first to steady myself, and never got the chance to put down the other foot. The machine’s platform, which was still buoyed by the pressure, literally shot straight up into the air, taking my left leg with it. There I was, one leg on the ground, the other totally perpendicular to my body, my pants threatening to split wide open.

I’ve always been a proud person; I’m the one you will see face plant into a moving treadmill and get right back up with an “I’m okay!”, even if I have a concussion and my nose is where my eyes used to be. Now, in this totally jack-knifed position, I was no less proud. I should have screamed out "HELP! HELP!” to the entire gym; instead, I tried to act all casual - like this split-in-half me was totally normal and exactly how I wanted to be - and very politely called out to the girl that was walking by. “Help.” I whispered. “Help?” But she was wearing earphones and didn’t hear me. And I was whispering, so there was that.

Seeing nobody else nearby, I somehow managed the craziest acrobatic feat of all time, and finagled my leg down from that platform. Once both feet were safely on the ground, I looked around to see if anybody else had seen the show, but it seemed that everybody was too into their own workout to notice or even care.

I nonchalantly plugged my ear buds back into my burning ears, and got on the ground to kiss it do push-ups.