From Classy to Klassy

by Patti


The other morning it was chilly enough to break out my boots. A great lover of fall attire, I was excited to finally do away with those toenail barin’ strappy sandals and pull on my sleek, rich brown leather boots. The boots were from last year, but still looked pretty decent, and I decided to pair them with my new poncho, which one might say resembles Indian Reservation Couture Circa 1975. As I was getting ready to head out the door to work, I realized that the heel of one of my boots was all shredded; the leather was ripped away revealing the white part underneath, and the bottom of the heel was ground down to the nail. Of course. Right as I have to leave NOW RIGHT NOW to get the kid to the bus. Because I am in desperate need of shoes, there was no suitable quick-change replacement, NOR did I have time to change my whole outfit, so I did what any fast-thinking, resourceful fashionista would do: I colored in the heel with black Sharpie.

Once I got to work, I quickly assessed myself in the full-length mirror in the bathroom to see if anybody else might actually notice that my awesome Indian Reservation Couture look was actually marred by black Sharpie. So far, so hidden. As I was leaving the bathroom, my co-worker Kristin walked in, and I admired her boots (another lover of fall!): they were these vintage-y looking motorcycle boots that she had paired with a khaki dress; kind of “Girl Scout on a Motorcyle Safari”. When I returned to my desk, I shot her an email to tell her I liked her boots, and this began a chain of confessions that can only be shared between and understood by women: Kristin told me that they had been the boots she wore during her pregnancy, and that they were now way too big (so, although they looked cute, she was sliding around in them). I, in turn, confessed to her that my boots were actually not nearly as awesome as they appeared on the surface; that they were actually Sharpie’d and wasn’t I just so Klassy, and then, in a show of camaraderie, she then told me that she had once used Sharpie to cover a stain on her shirt. Kristin also told me that in the past, she had stapled her hem, and used industrial strength mailroom tape to cover up “inappropriate office boob” (because, as she told me, what may seem plausible in the dark at 6:30 am doesn’t always transition well to florescent lighting at 8:30 am.)

This made me think: The things we women do. I mean, if I were to confess to you right now the things I have done to appear put together…. Well, okay, I will:

1) Sharpie’d my shoes
2) Scotch-taped my purse strap. I had to use almost an entire roll.
3) Duct taped my nipples
4) Filled in a bleach stain with an ink pen
5) Used an earring to hold together a buttoned shirt
6) Put mascara in my hair
7) Worn my pants unzipped with a long shirt over them
8) Used a strapless bra as emergency Spanx
9) Wrapped black electrical tape around the heel of my black pumps to conceal a broken tip

Oh, I could go on, but some things are just better kept locked away in the Vault of Shame. The point is, no matter how organized or put-together a woman is, we have all, at one point or another, had to take ourselves down a few notches from Classy to Klassy just to get through the day. And although this Classy to Klassy Sisterhood is one that I seem to participate in more often than most, it is one that I am proud to be a part of.