There, there

by Patti

When M and I were first dating, whenever I was upset or sad about something, a mere snuggle into his chest would immediately give me comfort. His chest was a magical place that smelled like lemons and Tide and home. It was that easy.

Now, years (and years. AND YEARS.) later, notsomuch. Much of the time now, if I am upset or sad, it's because he did something to make me so. And a mere snuggle into his chest is the last thing I want or need. I want understanding and an apology, damnit. And even when it's not something he did, I still want understanding. I want it on "girlfriend" level. You know: the kind of understanding a woman can get from her female friends, but rarely, if ever, from her beloved, til-death-do-you-part husband?

I remember a friend once lamented to me that her husband was the most insensitive human being on the planet. "Why?" I asked her, curious at the level of her fury.
"Well, I was standing in the kitchen last night after we finished eating dinner, and suddenly - I just started crying."
"You did? Why didn't you call me?"
"I should have! I just felt - I dunno - sad. And I needed Chris to comfort me. So he came up behind me and put his arms around me, and as I cried, he mumbled something. I thought he was being all comforting, but then I realized that he was asking me if I was going to eat that last piece of pizza!"
She then went on to tell me that she had furiously pulled out of his arms, and that he had gotten mad at HER for her reaction, telling her she was being overly sensitive. In his mind, he was killing two birds with one (big, fat awkward, insensitive) stone; in hers, he was an asshole.

I remembered this story the other night when I had my own attack of "sad for no apparent reason". And when it hit, I needed that comfort. I turned to M to find it, hoping for that magical chest. To his credit, he did put his arms around me, but then he had to go and do it. He patted me. He there, there'd me. Is there anything more patronizing, more "hurry up and get over it" than being PATTED?

Husbands around the world will unite and claim that the pats were sincere, and that what else did I want? A freakin' personal parade of non-patting, spirit-lifting clowns in my own kitchen? They might say that I am being demanding and am probably one of "those" that are simply just never satisfied. But let me tell you, husbands around the world: Never, ever PAT your wife when she is sad. And don't ask her what's for dinner while she's crying.

This is what you do: You gather your sad wife in your arms, and you say, "What can I do to make you feel better?" And then you just listen. That's it. See how easy?

And when you're done listening, you make dinner. And wash the dishes.