No Brains? At Least We Have Legs (Sort Of)

by Cathy

This past Sunday was the only "day off" we had in a long time: no birthday parties, no visitors, no visits elsewhere, no errands, no Costco, no nothing. Just me and my DVR. I knew the only thing we had to do was run out and get something notarized before Joe left for Mexico on Monday.

So around noon, when I saw the clouds of doom start to roll in overhead, I urged Joe to head out and get this over with before it gets late and we're stuck in a potential typhoon. We shuffled into the car, Joe still on his crutches, papers in hand, and set off to run our 10-minute task at the local Currency Exchange.

As I pulled into the rear parking lot of the neighborhood C.E., Joe says, "I always forget they have a parking lot here. That's awesome."

"Yeah, but what's not awesome is that every time I come here, they never have what I need. No international stamps, no plate stickers...but they've got to have a notary. Every C.E. has a notary," I said, sure of myself.

It started to drizzle as we hobbled our way in. It was empty except for one lone girl behind the bulletproof glass. "Hi, we just want to get something notarized," I said cautiously.

"Oh no, we don't have a notary here," she quickly replied.
"SEE? What did I tell you?" I said loudly, turning to Joe. "They never have anything you need here. I don't know why I bother to even keep coming back. This is the last time..." my voice trailed off as I headed to the door.

"Where do you recommend we go?" Joe calmly asked the girl.
"There's one up the street on Clark and Lunt," she had her answer at the ready. Of course.

We got in and drove up the street, found the C.E. she suggested with no parking lot, and this time I had Joe sit in the car while I ran in to see if they had a notary. This C.E. was so huge, it looked like an amusement park, complete with line ropes to keep the bevy of customers in order as they waited their turn. 'They must have a notary here,' I thought a little too presumptuously.

"No, I'm sorry," said the Latino behind the the 'Next Window Please' sign propped up against the bulletproof glass. "Next one up the street you can try is on Dodge and Dempster."

"What?!" I practically shrieked, thinking at how ridiculous it is that I have to go OUTSIDE the city limits to find a C.E. with a notary.

I jogged back to the car in the rain which was coming down more steadily now.
"Nope," I said to Joe as I got in. He looked at me incredulously.
"This is fucking ridiculous. Isn't this their JOB? Where the hell are we going to go to now?"
"I know the C.E. by my parent's house has a notary, let's just go there," I suggested.
"All the way over there?!?! That's crazy!"
"You have a better idea?" I said.
Pause.
"How about the Mexican dude at the place near our house? He does faxing, UPS, Fed Ex, he has to do notary. Let's stop there. It's on the way to your parent's neighborhood anyway."

I guess he did have a better idea.

I pulled up across the street from the brightly lit store and ran across the street shielding my eyes from the incessant rain. I stopped short: Closed. I ran back and got in the car. "Closed," I repeated, almost wanting to laugh at this point.

"You gotta be shitting me!" he said. "How can it be closed? The place is lit up like they're having a Christmas party in there! Why do people do that? Can you imagine how much he's paying for electricity by doing that?!" he asked, now going off on tangents. "Now we still gotta go all the way to your parent's neighborhood," he said pointedly.

"Dude, it's not that far," I said trying to calm myself down before we both lost it. "We might as well keep going...we're on a roll!" I said, cranking up my Greek music and going with the flow.

As we were waiting to turn down the street towards my parent's C.E., Joe remembered that there's a C.E. on the corner, going in the other direction, a few blocks away.
"Oh yeah!" I said happily. "That's a good one too!" I wondered why all the good C.E.'s were near my parent's house.

We snagged a spot in the tiny parking lot, made our way past the solicitors outside the Dunkin' Donuts and passed a squabbling couple on the way in.

"Do you have a notary here?" I asked hopefully, pulling my now curly, wet hair out of my eyes.
"Yeah, uh, Paula..." said the guy towards a girl at the last window. "You're a notary, right?"
"Yes," she said quietly.

HALLELUJAH!! I practically screamed with joy.

As we got to the window, the slouchy-panted, wool cap-wearing Eminem-looking dude at the next window was shuffling uneasily and hopping around from foot to foot. "Yo dog," he tells the guy behind the bulletproof glass. "You saw this, right? I just came in to pay my bill, right? I could hear her outside lying her ass off right now," he continued.

Ooooh! Something was going down! I, being my naturally nosy self, had to find out what that was. I turned to look outside and realized he was talking about the couple we passed on the way in, whose voices were getting so loud, they could be heard inside. Suddenly, a police car rolls up and an equally slouchy looking, bed-headed cop comes dragging out and shuffles towards the couple. After a lot of hand gesturing and choice words caught here and there, the cop enters the C.E.

"You wanna tell me what happened?" he lazily asked the Eminem dude.

"Yo, listen man. These people here can vouch for me. I was just coming in here to pay my bills like a good citizen," he stressed as his hands alternately hit his chest and went shooting out full length in front of him almost poking the cop. "I might have walked past his girlfriend a little too close but he came after ME dog! I swear he went to his truck and pulled out what looked like a gun and then put it back in his glove compartment, man!"

I was getting a wee bit nervous now. The cop looked unfazed. Looking around the C.E., he asks, "Anyone here see anything?"

I fully expected someone to come forth since they all saw this, but apparently, some invisible money must have fallen from the sky because everyone was looking down, searching the floor while keeping mute.

"I was helping a customer," offered up our girl, Paula.
The C.E. guy was careful not to say too much either "No, I didn't see much."
"C'mon dog!" said Eminem. "You were right here!" he implored.
Joe and I just looked at each other and buried our faces into our business. At least we really didn't see anything.

"I could let you see the video cameras if you want. That's the best I can do," the guy offered up behind the bulletproof glass, which was being wiped down to within an inch of its life by the obliviously steadfast cleaning guy, who worked through all of this commotion as if it happens on a daily basis.

Meanwhile, our girl says, "Are you sure you need these notarized? I don't see a space on here for that."
Joe and I grabbed the documents and stared at them dumbly.
"B-B-but, I thought that's what THIS was for," I said pointing to a bunch of lines for signatures.
"No..." said Joe slowly reading it. "That's for the recipient of these documents."

Loooooong silence. All we could here was the fighting of the couple outside, Eminem trying to convince the cop he was minding his own business and now, booming claps of thunder and rain crashing down. THEN, my cell phone rings.

"Hi, this is Mrs. Holly, Bella's guitar teacher?" said the voice chirpily. You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me. NOW?
"Yes?" I asked impatiently.
"Can we reschedule her lesson this week? I...."
"Can I call you back? I'll send you an email, okay? Talk soon!" I ended the call.

"So, you mean to tell me we didn't even need to get these notarized?" asked Joe of me incredulously.
"Dude, you reviewed these papers more times than me! YOU didn't notice this? I just glanced at it."
Joe takes a deep breath and turns to Paula.

"Let's just do it anyway. We're here."
"Great. That will be $2.00," she said as she signed and stamped away.

"Do you have any cash on you?" Joe turned to me.
"No, just my debit. Do you?"
"No. I have a debit and a credit card only."
"That'll be an extra $3.00 charge to use your card, sir," quipped Paula behind the now truly justified bulletproof glass.
"Wonderful," whined Joe, whose injured foot had now swollen to a crimson pink. "Five dollars for a notary we didn't even need."

He slides his debit card through and...nothing. Confused, he then slides his credit card through. Nothing.
"Crap," muttered Joe, utterly defeated. "When I called Citibank this morning to tell them I would be traveling I think they deactivated my cards for use here."
"WHAT?" I asked. Could this day get any worse? "Did you tell them to do that?"
"Of course not," he says. But what else could it be?? I KNOW I have money in these accounts. Jesus...what else?" said Joe, shaking his head. "Now I gotta call them back."

I slid my card through, paid $5.00 for a stamp and a signature we didn't need to begin with, and by then, fortunately, the House of Pain situation outside had dispersed.

We chalked up this entire dramatic comedy of errors to one simple Greek saying:
"Those who don't have a brain, have legs."
(And we barely had that going for us since Hoppy Chulo is still on one leg.)

Yes. It's that simple. Had we used our brains to read the documents properly, we wouldn't need to run/crutch around half of Chicago, and practically be witness to an assault that may/may not have included a gun.