The New Foreplay

by Patti


I have been following a design blog that details the DIY renovation of a young couple's house. It's been surprisingly painful, the discovery of this new jealousy that has overtaken my normally "happy for others" body. It's just that... well, the light fixtures! The appliances! The new kitchen cabinets! The backsplash! THE UNDER CABINET LIGHTING! I kind of want to make out with all of it, and worse, it makes me kind of want to totally break up with my own house.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my cozy little shack. And since we bought it a couple of years ago, I can even confidently say that I think I've done a pretty good job turning it from "someone else's dated ranch" to our charming, modern-with-an-antique-twist-so-that-it-looks-eclectic-and-full-of-character cozy little shack.

Still... I'M JEALOUS. I want under cabinet lighting, too! And recessed lighting, dear Lord recessed lighting! What I wouldn't do for recessed lighting.

Alas, I have a big ol' 80's florescent light fancily trimmed by "oak" smack dab in the middle of my kitchen ceiling.

(So wrong. So very, very wrong.)

At least it works, because my dishwasher? Yeah, right.  I mean, it's pretty. It's all stainless steel and looks good, but it doesn't work. And things keep coming up, like new glasses, dance classes, and co-pays, so for now I have Old Lady Hands from having to wash all of my dishes by hand 63 times a day, and it doesn't look like that condition is gonna get better anytime soon.

(Don't be fooled by this fraudulent, stainless steel bitch. She doesn't work.)

ANYWAY. The point of this all is that this envy, this deep envy and all of the fantasies that have swirled through my head in following this couple's Fantastic Journey in beautifying their home has made me question myself. Who is this person with the wrinkled dish-pan hands that gets all dreamy over brushed nickle light fixtures, crisp white crown molding, and kitchen faucets with fancy, high arcs? WHO AM I? Why do I get weak in the knees over under cabinet lighting, wide-planked hardwood, and slate bathroom floors? Why would I rather blow my Benjamins at Menard's than Barney's? Okay, scratch that. I've never shopped at Barney's. But you know what I mean.

I'll be honest: In the last year I have gotten a new refrigerator and a new oven. And the oven? Is a double oven. Yes, yes, I know! WHY AM I COMPLAINING? Let me be clear: I am not complaining so much as I am confessing that I now know something about myself that scares me: I am getting old. Like, really old. Because if Anderson Cooper (yes, I know I'm not his type, just go with it) was standing in tight jeans with a book in his hand and a smart-ass smirk on his face in front of a brand new, whisper quiet Kitchen Aid stainless steel dishwasher that just happened to be mounted under brand new granite countertops and flanked by brand new cherry - no, pine, no, cherry - no... okay, I'm not sure just yet, but anything other than 80's oak - well then, I'm afraid I might just rush forth, and as Anderson outstretched his arms, I might just push him right out of the way and start french kissing that new dishwasher.

I just might.