Needacoupleitis

by Cathy & Patti


If you're married, or even paired off in a married kind-of-way, you know how hard it is to find other couples that you can have fun with.  You adore the wife; you think the husband is an ass. Your husband hit it off with the other husband; thinks the wife is a bitch. Your husband loves your friend; you both think the husband is a jerk. You both feel sorry for the husband because the wife is insufferable.

The possibilities of incompatibility are endless! So most of the time, you end up going out with your friends and your husband with his. Once in a while, though, you find another couple that you BOTH like; they both like YOU back, and miracle of miracles! You have somebody to play with!

Throw kids into the mix and things immediately get complicated. You can only hope their kids get along with your kids and vice-a-freakin'-versa. Otherwise, you are almost always back to square one in finding "That Couple".

We call this phenomenon "Needacoupleitis". We believe it is a true disorder that occurs in nearly all the social lives of couples. Once you pair up, you are suddenly making friends for two.

Cathy
Take the situation of me and my husband, for example. When I married him, I married his friends, no question. He has been tight with most of these friends since kindergarten. His friends for life are now my friends for life. And what do I think about these friends and their wives/girlfriends, the group which Patti affectionately refers to as "the A-List" friends? I've come to love them like I've known them my whole life.

Granted, this "gang" hasn't been without its drama. Divorces. Separations. Near break-ups. Reconciliations. And they have all held tight together. I liked all of his friends immediately, which is pretty rare from a woman's perspective to take such a strong liking to this culturally and characteristically diverse group; one is Korean, one is Croation, one is Ecuadorian, one is Puerto Rican. How does a Greek girl fit into all of these colors and countries? Well seeing as I married outside my nationality...just fine.

Ethnicity has nothing to do with anything, let me make that clear. I was worried more about the egos and the strong personalities and the monopolizing of my husband's time and focus, and the testing of his drinking limits and what can come of that, than anything else. I was worried that they would come between the views we have as a couple - I mean, he will always know these guys longer than he'll ever know me. And I'm fine with that. As long as he understood where the limits of friends versus wife are drawn. Thankfully, that was never, ever an issue. And what's sweeter, is that all of the 'wives' as the female counterparts are referred to in this gang, get along swimmingly. Seriously. That may be the biggest miracle of all. Can you imagine how uncomfortable it would be for the gang if that weren't the case?

As for Joe getting along with my friends and their husbands, whether he has been uncomfortable or bored or annoyed, he has never shown it. He is like me - we can get along with just about anyone as long as they are not a blatant bitch/asshole or disrespectful. It comes with the territory, this infusion of friendships among couples. You learn to accept, make due and eventually, maybe even like them. Just like a marriage.

Patti:
Look up "Loner" in the dictionary and you will see M's intense, dark face. How I ended up with a man who needs his space in doses the size of the galaxy is one of life's biggest mysteries. Anybody who knows me knows I am the Julie McCoy of Real Life. I am social, outgoing, friendly, chatty, and have plenty of friends I can call on. M, on the other hand, is a corner dweller, and observer, a thinker. He is the kind that likes taking vacations alone, that prefers nights at home, and that keeps his friendships down to not only one hand, but a few fingers. Don't get me wrong, M is hilarious, not shy in the least, and will start up a conversation with pretty much anybody. He is also super curious and adventurous, and if it wasn't for him I'd probably not have nearly the number of stamps on my passport that I do. But, aside from his adventurous, charming ways, he is also intensely private. Very, very few will ever know what is really going on his head. He also simply doesn't need a lot of human interaction. So while my friends, to me, are oxygen, friends, to him, can feel like a "burden" - yet another thing to tackle on his "to do" list when he'd rather just be on his motorcycle.

In the nearly 23 years we have been together, I have seen him consistently keep contact with 3 friends: only one of which lives in the United States, and that friend, the one he considers his "best friend" and would do anything for, doesn't even live in our state. So, yeah, while I of course get along with those guys' "better halves", it's not as if we really get the chance to just "hang out". After all, while it would be fun to be able to jet to Argentina for a double date, our kid need clothes and food, that demanding little brat. And I have wonderful female friends I adore, and M has hung out with their better halves, but he isn't the type that will reach out to them and say, "Hey! Let's go have a beer together".  I mean, sure, if I plan something, and insist that he come along, he will, and will even have fun against his will. But for the most part, we are couple-less much of the time.

So, just as much as M respects my need to socialize and go out with my girlfriends, and be somebody other than Mother and Wife, I've also learned to be okay with M and his loner ways. Just because we're married doesn't mean we have to have the same tastes, hobbies, and, yes, friends. We are together but we are also separate, and there is no reason that being couple-less should impact the value of the friendships we do have, whether together - or alone.