It Could be Worser

by Patti


Last year, after months and months of S complaining that she couldn't see, we were finally forced to believe her when the school sent home a letter notifying us she had failed her vision test. She gleefully jumped around as I sighed that we would have to take her to get her "eyes checked". "Will I need glasses? I hope I need glasses!"

She needed glasses.

She spent about 39 hours picking out frames, and after we shelled out a billion dollars, our daughter was once again with perfect vision, this time thanks to some pretty hip glasses perched happily on her tiny nose.

Last week, after about a month of once again complaining she couldn't see, I took her to get her eyes checked again. Sure enough, the doctor informed me, her prescription had changed. S squinted through her now useless glasses at me and asked, "So I get to pick out NEW glasses?"

I figured we would just have them pop her new lenses into her old frames - after all, they had cost a fortune AND were still in perfect condition - however, the vision place had other ideas. "We have a special going! Two frames for $99! That includes the lenses!"
'No, that's okay. I just want to keep her old frames and put the new lenses in them."
S wandered over to me sporting a pair of Elton John-like frames. "I LOVE THESE!"

The sales clerk punched some numbers into his magical computer and informed me that replacing the lenses in the old frames would cost more than just getting new frames, and besides, wow, didn't those frames my daughter was wearing look cool. But the frames S was wearing were the same price as the "Two for $99!" deal, so I told S to pick something out of the "deal" category so we could get two pairs for the same price as the ones she wanted.

She slumped her shoulders and walked over to the "deal" table. I watched her half-heartedly try on several frames, and even I had to admit that the "deal" table was really just the "these are so ugly nobody wants them" table, and I felt myself caving inside. "Honey, let's go ahead and get the ones you really like."
"REALLY? REALLY?" She slid the Elton John-like frames on again. "I LOVE these! They make me look really geeky!"

Apparently, "geeky" is in.

I turned to the clerk and told him we would take the frames, and he proceeded to punch more numbers into his magical computer, and came back with a mysterious total. "I don't get it," I told him. "Why would the price be higher than the "Two for $99" deal, when the price of the frames is $99?"
"Well, that's because those are not part of the deal. You have to pay the difference." he said, acting like this made perfect sense.
"The difference of what?" I asked.
"The deal includes frames that are $69, so you have to pay the difference of $30, plus the cost of the lenses.

I heard a strange sound and then realized it was my mind exploding. "Wait. You are telling me that the 'deal' frames are $69 apiece, which, if I buy two, totals $138. Yet, if I buy two of them, the total comes to $99, AND it includes the lenses? But if I buy these frames that are $99, and buy just ONE frame, the total is $130 because I have to pay the difference?"
"Yes!" he said, relieved I was finally "getting it".

But I didn't get it. I was more confused than ever, but also realized with dizzy dismay that no matter what, I was one way or the other not going to end up paying less than the total he was giving me, so I finally gave up and said, "I'll take them."

Apparently not satisfied with having melted my brain with twisted logic, he asked me, "Do you want the anti-glare lenses?"
"No, just the basic lenses."
"I would consider the anti-glare. You see," he pointed to his own glasses, "mine are so clear it doesn't even look like I'm wearing glasses." I guess he forgot about the 2-inch black frames circling his eyes. He then picked up S's old glasses and held them up to the light, strategically flipping them back and forth so that the light bounced off of them. "See all the reflection? That's bad. That's why she needs new glasses. The glare is making her vision worser."

Worser? WORSER? 

He did some more "number crunching" and informed me that my insurance minus this plus that minus that plus this equaled "Great news! The price includes the anti-glare lenses!" and wasn't that just the best? Let's see.... I was being forced to buy new frames when I didn't want to, the "vision expert" that I was supposed to trust  hadn't yet mastered proper grammar, and I was fresh out $130 in a suspiciously scammy way. Yet, seeing S staring at herself in the mirror, giddy over her new, geeky frames, and knowing that, as annoying as it was to have to spend it, I at least had that $130 to spend, I figured, "Eh, it could be worser."