Tug O' War

The title of this blog post perfectly describes how I am feeling (and have been feeling for a couple of weeks now) regarding many aspects of my life. More about that later. But today, I want to express, and bring full circle, my thoughts on my kids and how this recent time alone has affected how I view my relationship with them.

To backtrack, the last time I blogged, I was living the temporary "single" life and preparing to fly out and meet up with my family for the continuation of our summer vacation. You might recall that I was grappling with my feelings, trying to come to terms with missing my children and reveling in the freedom.

So here I was, on the morning of my flight, preparing to travel solo for the first time in almost a decade. I woke up and felt strangely calm. I mean, sooooo strangely calm; like either there was something I am surely forgetting because I wasn't running around frantically packing last minute items or checking off lists, or someone had slipped me a tranquilizer. THAT kind of calm.

Throughout the course of the day (I had to take two flights with a stopover in Dallas) I found myself getting more and more giddy. Anxious. Even nervous. In fact I had such a myriad of thoughts and emotions running through me that I found myself journaling them frantically.

I witnessed other families with children, their interactions when they thought no one was observing them, and I compared them to how I would react in those situations. How much patience do they have? Do they make eye contact with them when they speak or just blurt out words without connecting? Did they laugh together? Were they frustrated or annoyed? Then I started thinking about my parents, my sister and her husband, my husband and myself. Needless to say, traveling solo resulted in tons of soul searching and discoveries for me, which I welcomed like a tall glass of cold, sweet lemonade on a hot summer day.

As a result of all of this, by the time I saw my kids, the anticipation was unbearable. I welcomed their little arms around my neck like lifesavers, holding on to them seemingly for dear life and seeing my relationship with them in a new light.

Fast forward, two weeks later, post vacation and currently in real life. I still make a conscious effort to be present with them, to observe them while they are doing little things and take in every facial expression and mannerism, to make note of every quirky comment, to laugh with them, to give them a break. OF COURSE I get all exorcist when they drive me crazy and OF COURSE I long for a break.

This is one tug o' war that will never end. But now I feel like I at least have a point of hindsight reference to keep me in check, so as not to take the rules of the game so seriously.

-Cathy