He Works Hard for the Muscle

Dear Gym Dude:

We get it. You have muscles. We can see them. And you can, too. It is easy to do when you keep staring at yourself in the mirror. And I know why you keep lifting your shirt. You want to make sure your 12-pack is still there, right? That it hasn’t somehow been horrifying reduced to a mere 6-pack in the past five seconds, or worse yet: a zilch-pack. Oh God, NO.

Gym Dude, I know you work hard. We all know, because we can hear your grunts and your loud, sweaty exhales as you do your millionth crunch. It is obvious you keep breaking your own personal records with that bench press, Gym Dude. Good for you. But is it really necessary to HACK WORK-OUT INDUCED PHLEGM INTO THE GARBAGE CAN? Gym Dude, that is just really unacceptable. I mean, once, okay. It happens. You get overworked, and it’s got to go somewhere, right? But Gym Dude, SIX TIMES?

And also, as you are admiring yourself once more in the mirror, can you please keep in mind that if you are going to keep lifting up your shirt we don’t want to see your treasure trail, Gym Dude. You might consider, I don’t know, waxing it or something because… just… no. I mean, I can see you’ve waxed your eyebrows so why not your treasure trail? Consider it, okay?

Please know that this all said with the utmost respect. After all, you are a manly, treasure-trailed Gym Dude God, WE ALL KNOW THIS, so why wouldn’t I respect you? You command it, damn it, you deserve it. You have worked hours upon hours upon hours on yourself, sculpting each muscle within an inch of its life, single-handedly creating mountains and valleys on your own body. Oh, you are so magical, Gym Dude, aren’t you? Because of this, why shouldn’t you get to hack your gold-flecked phlegm wherever you feel like it? Why shouldn’t you inspirationally grace us more flabby folks with your fur-trimmed rock-hard abs over and over again (we are so lucky!)? Why shouldn’t you get to hog the mirror for a full hour to ensure your precious 12-pack is still intact (even though I just need it for a few minutes to make sure I don’t have camel toe)?

What was I thinking, Gym Dude? Carry on. I will be the one with the camel toe, over here on the stair climber. Yes, you will see me shoving my earphones even further into my ears, to the point they might have to be surgically removed later, but I am having trouble hearing my music over the Hallelujah Chorus that plays in your head every time you look at yourself.

No offense, k?

~Patti