She's Only Five

Tomorrow, my little one will be five years old. And I'm having a real hard time with that.

First thing this morning, I went right to her bed and found her laying there holding her little pillow and "Mo" (the little lamb stuffed animal she's been sleeping with since she was two) and I smothered her in kisses before I blurted out with a crack in my voice, "Happy Last Day of Four Years Old!"

She blinked the morning sleepiness out of her eyes and suddenly seemed a bit more awake. "Tomorrow is my whole birthday?" she said excitedly.
"Yes," I said with a half smile. "Tomorrow is your whole birthday."

Ever since I told her a week ago that her birthday was coming up she would ask me every day if it was time yet and I would say, "Four more days and THEN..." as we would count it out on her fingers to help her put it in a time perspective, as best as her little four-year old mind could.

"So," I continued, "I have a surprise for you tomorrow! We're gonna do something special!"
"Is it a palace?" she asked.
"Is it a princess?"

So throughout the day as I got her ready for gymnastics, the pool and her little impromptu party with a friend at our house at the end of the day, pink frosted cupcakes and all, I tried to take in every minute of every second. I asked her for the umpteenth time (as I had been doing the last several weeks as I started to realize her 5th birthday was looming): "How old are you?" just so I can hear her say 'FOUR' while she held up those four tiny fingers. I must have made her say that a hundred times but I never got sick of hearing it and she never got sick of saying it.
"I know you want me to stay little mommy, but I got to get big. Are you gonna cry?" she asked me today. [Insert knife in heart here.]

"A little bit," I responded as I caught her reaction. She truly looked sad for me, so I changed the subject and choked back the tears.

So tonight, as I kissed her goodnight and whispered, "Happy last day of four years old" in her ear, I gazed over her little features while she was falling asleep, running her fingers across the corner tip of her pillow. Part of me didn't want her to fall asleep because I knew she would wake up as a five-year old, no longer the cute age of four. Then she turned her back to me and almost instantly fell asleep.

That's when I noticed her body. Suddenly, she seemed instantly longer, taller to me. Already grown up. That was evident today when she demanded of her sister, "Can you please close the bathroom door? I need my privaseat."

My eyes welled up as I reached over to kiss her face. That's when I saw it: her little arm, outstretched across the mattress, half falling over the edge, with her fist almost tightly clutched closed, like that of a sleeping baby. I smiled widely to myself in the dark as I said, "Part of her is still a baby." That image strangely comforted me.

Patti has succinctly pointed out on several occasions to me that, "five is still little" even though I refused to believe her. But now I know, like any age, it's just a number. Tomorrow she will wake up and still be the little Ari she was today. What's scary is that she will grow up right before my eyes, when I'm not looking. But in the meantime, I can still shop for her in the toddler section (there IS such a size as 5T, right?) and she will still want me to scoop her up every morning and cuddle on the kitchen chair or read her books while she uses the potty. I mean, she's only FIVE, right?

-Cathy