EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

by Patti


So, my car misses the mechanic, apparently. The bitch has started whining again - literally. Now, whenever I drive her, a high-pitched "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" accompanies my every mile. "MOM! That is so ANNOYING!" Sofia shrieks from the backseat. As if THAT isn't annoying.

But, yes, it is annoying, this "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". I told M about it, since he is my husband and "the man" and responsible for car stuff. But can I be frank for a moment? I have single-handedly diagnosed and fixed car troubles in the past. I put my Dr. Google skills to work, and once again am totally amazed at the information I can find online. Try it: Google ANY symptom - car or human - and somebody else in the world has already searched it, experienced it, or found the answer to the problem. But this time around, I just wanted "the man" to handle it. I don't know, I was busy baking brownies, or washing the dishes, or shuttling the kid, or checking her homework, or having cramps, but I just couldn't do it this time.

He immediately denied I was hearing an "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE", even though HE WASN'T EVER IN THE CAR TO HAVE NOT HEARD IT. But you know, I guess his "man ears" are bionic or psychic, or something, because he just knew I hadn't heard it. Like any good mother does, I put the kid in the middle as my witness. "YES!" she confirmed. "There is this HORRIBLE sound; I can barely stand it!" Apparently, she hadn't heard it, either. Look at us two crazy girls, hearing things for the fun of it. Such women.

The other night I picked up M and S to go out to dinner. "Where is 'the noise'?", M asked, his voice tinged with an annoying "I told you so" delight.  I had completely forgotten about the "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". You see, it has this weird way of only happening when it wants to, and for some reason, at this very moment, it was apparently otherwise occupied, because it wasn't there. OF COURSE.
"It happens, I swear!"
"Yes!" Sofia piped in. "It does, Papi!"
M just smiled his Ricky Ricardo "Oh Lucy" smile, smug in his absolute certainty we were just crazy.
We ate dinner, and then on the way home, my car finally decided to take my side. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" she cried, almost more loudly than ever. Even she was annoyed by my husband's macho certainty. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" she added, for good measure.
"SEE!" S and I shouted in unison.

My car continued to "EEEEEEEEEEE", "EEEEEEEEEEE", "EEEEEEEEEEE", all the way home, and M finally jumped out and had me pop the hood. "It looks like the timing belt". His voice was muffled as he poked around underneath the hood. "We can just spray it with a special oil and it will be fine. It's no big deal."
He got back in the car, satisfied with his genius. "AND?" I demanded. "Aren't you going to apologize?"
"For what?"
"For not believing me!"
"It'll be fine."
???

My car did the "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" again this weekend, and I called M from the road to ask him about that "special oil". "It's not a big deal," he said. "Nothing will happen if you don't fix it."
"Yeah, but I want to fix it 'cuz it's annoying as hell."
"Okay, I'll fix it. But it might also be the alternator."
I knew that word from all of my Googling, and  knew it meant trouble. "And if it's the alternator?"
"Then the car will die and never start again."

So hard to choose between these choices, "No Big Deal", or "Will Die and Never Start Again"!

So as M apologizes to me under his macho breath while he is spraying the crap out of that timing belt, I'm gonna cross the crap out of my fingers and pray for "No Big Deal".