The 9pm Nap

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The 9pm Nap

by Cathy

Nine o'clock is usually when I have my girls in bed these days - well, Ari at least. Bella still thinks it's too early for bed. Naturally, I have to lay with Ari on her bed (or at least sit there with her) until she falls asleep. (For the record, we are slowly working on breaking this habit with her. And by 'we' I mean ME. I am the one who usually ends up having to lay with her to fall asleep.) The only problem is that I end up on the brink of sleep myself.

I desperately try to refrain from falling asleep by sitting up on her bed. But occasionally, she asks me to lay next to her and squeeze-hug her. For this, I happily oblige; there's nothing like taking in the sweet smell of your child's neck as they fall asleep. Before I know it, however, I have drifted off right along with them. Despite my best efforts to stay awake! so I can accomplish the list of things that are already accumulating in my head, sleep sometimes takes over my body and brain.

Some time later, I startle awake and it takes me a good minute to figure out where I am. Once that's established, I purposely try to walk to my bedroom with my eyes closed, so that I can keep the momentum of sleep going. Don't wake up...don't wake up...

I realize I have to get my pajamas on. There are people who can sleep in their clothes. I'm not one of them. Don't wake up... Then I realize I have to pee. Don't wake up... Then I realize I didn't brush my teeth. Don't wake up... Then I realize I have to check to make sure doors and windows are locked. Don't wake up... Then I realize I forgot to defrost the chicken for tomorrow's dinner. Digging around in the freezer, I'm starting to wake up... Then I realize I forgot to put the washed clothes in the dryer. I'm slowly reaching full on awake mode... Then I realize I haven't removed my makeup. By the time I splash on water to wash off the apricot foaming gel, I'M UP.

By now it's well past 11pm and I am fully awake.

I could make tomorrow's lunches for the kids! I could go through my stack of work papers/coupons/catalogs/bills/kids drawings/recipes! I could clean out my purse! I could catch up on watching DVR'd shows I don't get a chance to watch during non-vampire hours! I could catch up with Facebook! Twitter! LinkedIn! The world is my oyster!

And tomorrow morning, the alarm clock is my worst enemy.

The Glassary
(what we say)

A-List: The group of friends a married couple calls first.
B-List: The group of friends a married couple calls when the A-List doesn't call them back.
Brat Legs: The psychotic, jerky movements of a kid's legs when they throw a tantrum while lying down.
Cave Manning: The process of continuously hunching over while swinging your arms and swooping up a slew of items left on the floor, such as toys, shoes, socks, cheerios, etc, all in a manner similar to what cavewomen likely did.
Closet Eyelock: The condition that occurs when you stand in front of your closet trying to figure out what to wear for so long, your eyes glaze over.
Disaster Glass: A glass that contains all the remnants of a restaurant meal gone wrong, i.e., crayons, salt, water, napkins, sugar, ice, coffee stirrers, bread...
Exorcist Moment: Parenting moments that cause the veins in your neck to bulge and your eyes to widen 5 times their normal size. When trying to get your point across to the shrinking kid in front of you, your voice will drop 3 octaves and shoot out of your twisted mouth in a distorted, possessed scream. These moments almost always occur at highly inconvenient times, i.e., while you are driving at high speeds on the expressway or trying to get out the door in the morning.
Hate Cycle: The time period during a marriage when you consider divorce, murder, or at least running away. Strangely occurs either right before or right after a particularly love-filled period.
ish: Add to end of any noun to convert to an adjective. Example: This spaghetti is so restaurantish.
Mommy Monologue: A speech given more times than anyone, including you, cares to recall, about the same daily things moms bitch about.
Mother Arm: The automatic bar a mother's arm forms across a passenger in her car when she is driving and suddenly hits the brakes. The passenger could be a grown man or even a bag of groceries; it doesn't matter.
Mother Sway: The rocking motion a mother automatically performs when holding a baby in her arms. This baby could be ANY baby: hers, her neighbor's, a puppy, a goat. If it is small and being held by a mother, it will be rocked.
P.I.T.A.: Pain In The Ass
The Shift: The slightest movement that occurs when a wife attempts to creep into bed so as not to wake her husband for fear of being forced to have sex when all she wants is sleep.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The 9pm Nap

The Glassary
(what we say)

The Whinary
(what our kids say)

Grape Juice
(Stuff our kids think is cool)

Grapevine
(Stuff we think is cool)

Sour Grapes
(Stuff that annoys us)

The Whine Cellar