The 12 Whines of Christmas

Friday, December 23, 2011

The 12 Whines of Christmas

by Cathy and Patti

By this point you are undoubtedly DONE with Christmas music. And it's not even Christmas yet! But since Walgreen's has had its Christmas decorations out since before the Halloween pumpkins even had the chance to shrivel up, and you, completely and totally against your will, know all the lyrics to all the Christmas songs ever, AND, even though you can't stand those songs, you inevitably find yourself humming those damned songs whether you want to or not, it's no wonder you have had it, Had It, HAD IT with All Things Christmas.

So, we have taken the liberty of cramming yet another song down your throat. Come on; what's a little more merriment? Shoot back that gingerbread Schnapps and sing along with us, won't you?

The first thing 'bout Christmas that makes me wanna whine... is the swollen glands I got from my husband!

The second thing 'bout Christmas that makes me wanna whine...is obligatory gifts and the swollen glands I got from my husband!

The third thing 'bout Christmas that makes me wanna whine...is circling mall parking lots, obligatory gifts and the swollen glands I got from my husband!

The fourth thing 'bout Christmas that makes me wanna whine...is Poinsettia overload, circling mall parking lots, obligatory gifts and the swollen glands I got from my husband!

The fifth thing 'bout Christmas that makes me wanna whine...is GETTING SHOVED AT TARGET!

...Poinsettia overload, circling mall parking lots, obligatory gifts and the swollen glands I got from my husband!

The sixth thing 'bout Christmas that makes me wanna whine... is Jose Feliciano, GETTING SHOVED AT TARGET!
...Poinsettia overload, circling mall parking lots, obligatory gifts and the swollen glands I got from my husband!

The seventh thing 'bout Christmas that makes me wanna whine...is urine-smelling wreaths, Jose Feliciano, GETTING SHOVED AT TARGET!
...Poinsettia overload, circling mall parking lots, obligatory gifts and the swollen glands I got from my husband!

The eighth thing 'bout Christmas that makes me wanna whine...is pulling kids crafts out my ass, urine-smelling wreaths, Jose Feliciano, GETTING SHOVED AT TARGET!
...Poinsettia overload, circling mall parking lots, obligatory gifts and the swollen glands I got from my husband!

The ninth thing 'bout Christmas that makes me wanna whine...is recycling colds and flus, pulling kids crafts out my ass, urine-smelling wreaths, Jose Feliciano, GETTING SHOVED AT TARGET!
...Poinsettia overload, circling mall parking lots, obligatory gifts and the swollen glands I got from my husband!

The tenth thing 'bout Christmas that makes me wanna whine...is stressing over shopping, recycling colds and flus, pulling kids crafts out my ass, urine-smelling wreaths, Jose Feliciano, GETTING SHOVED AT TARGET!
...Poinsettia overload, circling mall parking lots, obligatory gifts and the swollen glands I got from my husband!

The eleventh thing 'bout Christmas that makes me wanna whine...is hauling decoration storage bins, stressing over shopping, recycling colds and flus, pulling kids crafts out my ass, urine-smelling wreaths, Jose Feliciano, GETTING SHOVED AT TARGET!
...Poinsettia overload, circling mall parking lots, obligatory gifts and the swollen glands I got from my husband!

The twelfth thing 'bout Christmas that makes us wanna whine...is going flat broke, hauling decoration storage bins, stressing over shopping, recycling colds and flus, pulling kids crafts out my ass, urine-smelling wreaths, Jose Feliciano, GETTING SHOVED AT TARGET!
...Poinsettia overload, circling mall parking lots, obligatory gifts and the swollen glands I got from my husband!

....

Now that we've whined...it's time to wine.

We all know that a good whine needs a chance to breathe, right? So it's done; our whine has been popped open and aired out. Now it's time for the good part: It's time to drink up the velvety taste of Christmas and all the good it has to offer. Because, despite our whining, we know that with the bad there is always the good. And for that? We are merry.

Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukah, Festivus for the Rest of Us!

Love,

Cathy & Patti

The Glassary
(what we say)

A-List: The group of friends a married couple calls first.
B-List: The group of friends a married couple calls when the A-List doesn't call them back.
Brat Legs: The psychotic, jerky movements of a kid's legs when they throw a tantrum while lying down.
Cave Manning: The process of continuously hunching over while swinging your arms and swooping up a slew of items left on the floor, such as toys, shoes, socks, cheerios, etc, all in a manner similar to what cavewomen likely did.
Closet Eyelock: The condition that occurs when you stand in front of your closet trying to figure out what to wear for so long, your eyes glaze over.
Disaster Glass: A glass that contains all the remnants of a restaurant meal gone wrong, i.e., crayons, salt, water, napkins, sugar, ice, coffee stirrers, bread...
Exorcist Moment: Parenting moments that cause the veins in your neck to bulge and your eyes to widen 5 times their normal size. When trying to get your point across to the shrinking kid in front of you, your voice will drop 3 octaves and shoot out of your twisted mouth in a distorted, possessed scream. These moments almost always occur at highly inconvenient times, i.e., while you are driving at high speeds on the expressway or trying to get out the door in the morning.
Hate Cycle: The time period during a marriage when you consider divorce, murder, or at least running away. Strangely occurs either right before or right after a particularly love-filled period.
ish: Add to end of any noun to convert to an adjective. Example: This spaghetti is so restaurantish.
Mommy Monologue: A speech given more times than anyone, including you, cares to recall, about the same daily things moms bitch about.
Mother Arm: The automatic bar a mother's arm forms across a passenger in her car when she is driving and suddenly hits the brakes. The passenger could be a grown man or even a bag of groceries; it doesn't matter.
Mother Sway: The rocking motion a mother automatically performs when holding a baby in her arms. This baby could be ANY baby: hers, her neighbor's, a puppy, a goat. If it is small and being held by a mother, it will be rocked.
P.I.T.A.: Pain In The Ass
The Shift: The slightest movement that occurs when a wife attempts to creep into bed so as not to wake her husband for fear of being forced to have sex when all she wants is sleep.

Friday, December 23, 2011

The 12 Whines of Christmas

The Glassary
(what we say)

The Whinary
(what our kids say)

Grape Juice
(Stuff our kids think is cool)

Grapevine
(Stuff we think is cool)

Sour Grapes
(Stuff that annoys us)

The Whine Cellar