by Patti & Cathy
We were attempting to plan our annual mother-daughter trip to Michigan via email with Miche. Back and forth we went, trying to find that magical date that we could all pencil into our calendars. It seemed, after several exchanges, that our trip - usually done in January or February so that our girls can go sledding - would have to be delayed into March. Of course we lamented the probable lack of snow, and Miche offered up a back-up plan: ice skating! She said we'd only have to bring our own skates. However: ha, ha, and HA. We don't own ice skates. Never have, and not afraid to say it: NEVER WILL. Neither of us find particular joy in the art of ice skating, and while we both certainly admire the graceful, fluid beauty with which others seems to execute it, we also know that although ice skating may look like this for some:
It only means this for us:
Cathy:
The only activities I took as a child were piano lessons and ballet (the latter was possible at the persistent urging of my best friend at the time). But what I really wanted to do more than anything? Take ice skating lessons. I loved the gracefulness of it, the idea of floating on ice, wearing the cute 'lil outfits where the frilly skirts bounced off the back side with every glide. But alas, that was not to happen.
My mom's parenting style was very guarded. We were wrapped up so that only our eyes shown in winter so that we wouldn't get cold or sick; we were never allowed sleepovers; we weren't allowed to date until late in our teen years; roller skates were banned when I simply tried them on, took one step and landed on my backbone on the asphalt in front of our house; and we weren't allowed to take ice skating lessons because the risk of getting injured or breaking something was just too great.
Therefore, I'm practically one of the last people on earth, it seems, who doesn't know how to skate. And I'm afraid that at my age (I'm not ancient, but let's face it, I'm not a spring chicken, either) getting up on skates and putting blades to ice is too risky for me. Perhaps this is a side effect of the caution my mother instilled in me, but I got aging hips to worry about and I'd rather they just don't glide.
Patti:
I had the misfortune to grow up with weak ankles. As if growing up isn't awkward enough, why not squeeze all the joy out of life and grow up wearing LEG BRACES? Because that's what I did to correct the weak ankle, pigeon-toed mess I was.
I grew out of it and up, and though it was apparent I would never be an Olympian of any sort, I managed to partake in gymnastics and play tag football. Yay, redemption of childhood! However. The one thing I could never manage with much aplomb was ice skating. You see, those damned skates have this way of digging violently into ones ankles, and if ones ankles are weak? They kind of turn in or out and dig right back, hence creating friction. So, yeah, it was never my favorite thing to do.
And still isn't. My poor kid, when trying to skate the very few times she has, asks me to guide her around the rink. ME. As if I could at all offer any sort of competent assistance ON ICE. That is why, when she has the opportunity to skate, I make sure to either a) bring M, who is fearless and does not have weak ankles; or, b) let S invite a friend or two along that knows how to skate. And so far? I've avoided the ice.
.........................
We've avoided the ice. We know we need to. Because if we don't, this will happen:
 |
| the dignified face plant |
Come on, join us in our anti-skating anthem. (sung to the tune of Shakira's My Hips Don't Lie)
My Hips Don't Glide
Ladies up in here tonight
No skating, no skating
We got the joint pain up in here
No skating, no skating
I fear it, I fear ah
I never really knew I couldn't skate like this
It makes my kids want to act freakish
Como se llama (si), que estoy haciendo (si), (si, Shakira Shakira), en este hielo
I fear it, I fear ah
Oh baby when I wobble like that
I make my doctor go mad
So I'll be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body
Why am I on skates tonight?
You know my hips don't glide
And I'm starting to feel not right
What’s the attraction, this tension
Don't see it baby, this ain’t perfection
Hey girl, I can see your body moving
Arms and legs just flailing
And I didn't have the slightest idea
Until I saw you skating
And when I walk up on the slick rink floor
Nobody cannot ignore the way I move my body
And everything so unexpected - the way I right and left it
So I can keep on breaking it
I never really knew I couldn't skate like this
It makes me look so outlandish
Como se llama (si), que estoy haciendo (si), (si, Shakira Shakira), en este hielo
I fear it, I fear ah
Oh baby when I fall like that
It makes my ass be had
So I'll be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body
Why am I on skates tonight?
You know my hips don't glide
And I am starting to feel not right
Come on lets go, real slow
Don't you see baby sitting out es perfecto?
Oh yeah, I can see my body moving
Half standing, half wiping out
I don't, don't really know what I'm doing
Geez, maybe it's gout?
My will and self restraint
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I am doing what I can, but I can't so you know
That's a bit too hard to explain
Oh baby when I try to skate like that
You know I gotta be hypnotized
So I'll be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body
Senorita, feel the burn oh, let me see you move like you come from off the floor, oh
Why am I on skates tonight?
You know my hips don't glide
And I'm starting to feel not right
What’s the attraction, the tension
Don't see it baby, this ain’t perfection
No skating
No skating
