by Cathy
*****TMI Alert!*****
Here at TWWW, we pride ourselves on putting life out there like it is. We are self-proclaimed TMI queens in the interest of keeping it real. As such, this post contains copious amounts of TMI as it relates to women. * If you are pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant, we apologize in advance for the healthy dose of truth and reality you are about to be served.
* If you are a man, unless you want in on what women don't tell you (and trust me, you'll gladly like to keep it that way), close this page now and never look back.
You will all thank me later.
I was out a few weeks ago having some well-deserved drinks with a friend of mine who had just had her first baby in the past year. Naturally, our conversation drifted over and crossed into some pretty private yet universal territory: what happens to a woman's body after childbirth.
"I went and got a proper bra fitting recently because, you know," this friend leaned in and whispered. "They sag now. They just...sag!"
I briefly scanned her tiny A-cup figure and thought, really?!
"No one tells you!" she continued. "No one tells you what it's gonna be like after you push that baby out! Everything changes! I'm convinced my vagina was crooked for months afterwards."
"What?" I sputtered out a laugh.
"Don't worry," she assured me, as if I was worried that would really happen. "My gyno told me all was back in its place, but my GOD I am peeing on myself all the time!"
"Ah, I see." I tilted my head back and let it slowly fall forward into a reassuring, commiserating nod.
"How come no one talks about this?!"
"Oh, they do." I reassured her. "It's just that you never paid attention to those conversations before because they didn't relate to you until now."
"You mean it's happened to you?"
"OF COURSE!" I practically shrieked. "Me and any other woman out there who has pushed a baby out of her hooha."
Clearly, this girl needs to spend more time with a TMI queen.
"While I was sick," she went on, "I went through, like, four panties a day with all that coughing!" (She had just gotten over a three-week long upper respiratory infection which had caused her to cough consistently and continuously at all hours of the day and night.) "That is ridiculous!"
"Welcome to your post-childbirth body."
On I went to tell her about how she will probably pee a little not only when she coughs, but when she laughs, sneezes, jogs, runs, walks briskly, turns her head too suddenly, picks up something remotely heavy or even picks up the remote. I told her what my gyno told me and I remember it to this day: "Once you've pushed a baby out, you need to do kegels every single day for the rest of your life." Congratulations! You're a mom!
Little does this friend of mine know what else is in store for her.
It's been six years since I've given birth - to a child, that is. A few days ago, as I was mid-poop, it happened: I gave birth to a tampon. PLOP! Into the toilet it fell despite my superhuman, super-kegeled efforts to keep it in. In fact, the more I clenched my pelvic muscles, the more it slid out. It was past the point of no return and I was birthing it along. In my defense, it was one of those lite, super-slim numbers.
After I got over my mortification, I did what any other woman would do. I immediately texted a friend. Patti, would surely not judge my body's lack of proper function, and maybe, just maybe, she could even relate?
Me: So, today my tampon slid out my hooch while I was trying to poop. Yet another post-childbirth side effect. I am doing kegels as I type this.
Patti: Girl! That has totes happened to me! Congratulations! It's a TAMPON!
Me: Oh my gawd!! I was just thinking that I can't possibly be this only one this has happened to. But no one talks about it! It's because of shame, I'm sure. It's a deep, dark secret mothers carry.
Patti: And only mothers. Who the hell else would ever get it? I am just surprised it only just happened to you. My hooch must be more stretched out than yours. And I only had one kid. It was meant to be. Had I birthed two, my uterus would fall out while pooping.
Now it was my turn to wonder why does no one tell you? I, too, wondered why I hadn't heard of this happening to other women until it happened to me. Surely, I would have remembered hearing about this despite whether I was a victim of it or not, right? But I hadn't! That's why I am here to tell you today.
Listen. If we moms can work our way back from post-childbirth hemorrhoids, crooked vaginas, blubbery bellies, sagging tits and loosey gooseys, we can work on preventing our tampons from falling out willy-nilly. Just add it to the list of basic body maintenance required along with what comes of standard old age: sagging, wrinkles, stiff joints, gray hair, diminishing eyesight (both far and near) and memory loss.
Have no fear, ladies. We got this. We'll just push through it.
