TWWW's First Annual - Cathy Takes Oscar

by Cathy

Since I was old enough to understand what the Oscars were, I have been as diligent and loyal a viewer of that shimmery event as its golden mascot. In fact, I've had my Oscar dress designed since I was 14, on the off-chance that I one day make it there in some capacity. Although the dress design has undoubtedly gone through several tweaks and transformations throughout the years, the dream remains.

As I am hoping, pimpin' and prayin' for that dream while glued to my television year after longing year, I feel that I now officially reserve the right to be an unofficial commentator on what the red carpet and the grand Oscar stage puts forth into our living rooms every year. There's just so much that demands to be commended, satirized, pitied, booed, applauded and lauded, that I just can't contain myself! So until Oscar decides to take me on, I will take him on:


- Kudos to you, Billy Crystal. You were actually funny. The intro, the best picture Broadway medley and the 'What Are They Thinking?' piece were all entertaining and intelligent without being crude or slapstick. Your one-liners throughout the night were on key, truthful and again, funny. Please come back next year and every year after that!

- Cirque du Soleil - what a top-notch, jaw-dropping performance. The Oscars needed a theatrical boost!

- Melissa McCarthy and the whole gang of "Bridesmaids" - Scorsese!! Love you, funny ladies!

- Alexander Payne - I have my own selfish reasons for loving him during this year's telecast as he uttered the first Greek words ever at the Oscars. S'agapo poli Alexander!

- "The Artist" for Best Picture of the Year? Even though Jean Dujardin is my new crush and his smile lights up the stage all on its own, admittedly, I haven't seen the movie but humor me here - it's a SILENT movie made by the French. Okaaaayy?

Viola Davis - What happened to the sleek, sexy, choppy bob you sported at the Golden Globes or the soft curls framing your Marchesa gown at the SAGs? Although I commend you for going au naturel, the Oscars wasn't the place to do it. It felt a little Christmas-y with your red hair and green dress. And hello - didn't your stylist tell you that you shouldn't ever match your earrings (or your clutch, for that matter, ladies) to the color of your dress?

J. Lo - Let them say what they want about you - wardrobe malfunction, areola shadow, whatevs.  You can rock anything you wear and cause enough of a buzz to keep them talking about you, smart lady. The diva title was meant to be yours.

Cameron Diaz - your hair is too short and you need to lay off the gym weights. And the dress? I love Gucci, but this one was eh.

 Milla Jovovich - we all love a sexy bedroom eye but you looked borderline junkie, lids fluttering to stay open, eyeballs rolling back in your head during your presentation.

She was one leg stance short of this.

Angelina - eventually that stoic, forced, understated glamour and tight-lipped classy image was bound to crack and reveal the touch o' classlessness Angelina always harbored. There is a much more demure, classy way to rock a high slit than turning your foot outward and sprawling out your inner thigh. If she would have done the same with the other leg, she would have been ready to leap and ribbit. And for the love of GOD can you please stuff a steak in your mouth! A loaf of bread! Your arms are third-world skelatal. Make a dinner reservation and take Rose Byrne with you or I'll have to crack you both in half with my pinkies.

Jessica Chastain -  Yes, Alexander McQueen was a fashion talent icon lost way too soon and the dress had amazing detail and show-stopping attributes, but on Jessica, I felt it was too stark for her alabaster skin and fair hair. Something feminine would have flowed much more nicely together.

Sasha Baren Cohen - YOU SUCK. Take your classless stunts to the appropriate environments you've created for them. You've marred the dignity the Oscars have carried for 84 years. Not the time or the place for your dumb-ass shenanigans.



Natalie Portman -  Hunny, sweety-pie. If your dress was knee-length, all you would have needed were those ruby slippers and some bows in your hair. A polka-dotted ballgown? In red? I don't care that it's vintage Dior. Even fashion Gods make mistekes. No, no. Just because you're a mom now doesn't mean you need to lose all sense of fashion.

LOVED the presenter skits: Emma Stone and Ben Stiller and Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr. were spot on. Best dressed in white: Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez. Best dressed in red: Michelle Williams and Emma Stone. Worst dressed: Natalie Portman and Penelope Cruz. So happy for Meryl Streep! Loved her and Chris Rock for keeping things real. So sad for Demian Bichir and Nick Nolte.

 


Did I miss anything? Do you disagree? Let me know!

And until I get to rock the red carpet myself and have other non-descript bloggers scrutinize the dress which I have been design-cycling since my teens years, I'll be back again next year.