Stumped

Friday, May 27, 2011

Stumped

by Patti

Tell me this:

How is it that I can wake up my kid, take a shower, get dressed, put on makeup, and blow dry and style my hair, only to walk back into my kid’s room to find that she is still in the exact same position I left her in ½ hour ago: one leg shoved into her pants with the other leg dangling in mid-air, her mouth hanging open in a morning stupor.

ARE WE ON DIFFERENT SPACE-TIME CONTINUUMS?

The Glassary
(what we say)

A-List: The group of friends a married couple calls first.
B-List: The group of friends a married couple calls when the A-List doesn't call them back.
Brat Legs: The psychotic, jerky movements of a kid's legs when they throw a tantrum while lying down.
Cave Manning: The process of continuously hunching over while swinging your arms and swooping up a slew of items left on the floor, such as toys, shoes, socks, cheerios, etc, all in a manner similar to what cavewomen likely did.
Closet Eyelock: The condition that occurs when you stand in front of your closet trying to figure out what to wear for so long, your eyes glaze over.
Disaster Glass: A glass that contains all the remnants of a restaurant meal gone wrong, i.e., crayons, salt, water, napkins, sugar, ice, coffee stirrers, bread...
Exorcist Moment: Parenting moments that cause the veins in your neck to bulge and your eyes to widen 5 times their normal size. When trying to get your point across to the shrinking kid in front of you, your voice will drop 3 octaves and shoot out of your twisted mouth in a distorted, possessed scream. These moments almost always occur at highly inconvenient times, i.e., while you are driving at high speeds on the expressway or trying to get out the door in the morning.
Hate Cycle: The time period during a marriage when you consider divorce, murder, or at least running away. Strangely occurs either right before or right after a particularly love-filled period.
ish: Add to end of any noun to convert to an adjective. Example: This spaghetti is so restaurantish.
Mommy Monologue: A speech given more times than anyone, including you, cares to recall, about the same daily things moms bitch about.
Mother Arm: The automatic bar a mother's arm forms across a passenger in her car when she is driving and suddenly hits the brakes. The passenger could be a grown man or even a bag of groceries; it doesn't matter.
Mother Sway: The rocking motion a mother automatically performs when holding a baby in her arms. This baby could be ANY baby: hers, her neighbor's, a puppy, a goat. If it is small and being held by a mother, it will be rocked.
P.I.T.A.: Pain In The Ass
The Shift: The slightest movement that occurs when a wife attempts to creep into bed so as not to wake her husband for fear of being forced to have sex when all she wants is sleep.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Stumped

The Glassary
(what we say)

The Whinary
(what our kids say)

Grape Juice
(Stuff our kids think is cool)

Grapevine
(Stuff we think is cool)

Sour Grapes
(Stuff that annoys us)

The Whine Cellar