Anatomy Lesson Gone Wrong

by Patti

A few months ago, Gaucho got his balls chopped off. Before you roll your eyes and think, "Oh, great! She hardly ever posts anymore, and when she does, it's to talk about her dog's balls?" fear not. This is not about my dog's balls at all. My dog's balls only serve as a backdrop to the story I am about to tell you. You see, Gaucho had a pretty, uh, obvious set of cojones, and they were the perfect opportunity to teach S about anatomy. "What are those?" she gasped.
And I, always one to get straight to the point, answered, "Honey, those are balls."

Flash forward to present day. S and I met my mom for coffee and sandwiches at Starbucks, when my mom asked me what was in my sandwich.
"Oh, some tomatoes and cheese, and it's toasted.."
My mom suddenly leaned in, her eyes wide. "Testicles?" she whispered discreetly.
"No, mom. TOASTED."
S began to laugh, 'Nono, you don't have to whisper it. It's no big deal! See? Testicles! Testicles! TESTICLES!" she shouted out freely, her arms waving above her head for dramatic effect.
I, in wonder at the lack of embarassment most 11-year olds would feel to even THINK such a word, much less shout it out in pubilc, joined in gleefully. "Testicles! Testicles! Testicles!" And then, feeling adventurous, I threw in a "Boobs! VAGINA!"

At that, S's face grew horrified and she gave me a swift, scolding punch to my arm. "MOM! STOP! That's so EMBARRASSING!"
Confused, I cocked my head at her. "Honey, I don't get it. You were just shouting out testicles. If that is not embarrassing, how is vagina embarrassing?"
Her face grew blank as she pondered this. And then, ever so carefully, "Wait. What's testicles?"
Recalling Gaucho and the anatomy lessons around his pair, I knew what I had to tell her to make it clear. "Balls."
And then her face flushed a deep purple as her hands flew over her mouth in horror. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT OCTOPUS ARMS!"

Let's get it straight: TENTACLES.

The Mother of Invention

by Patti


Have you ever had what you thought was a stunningly originally idea; the kind of idea that makes you think, “I can’t believe nobody has ever thought of this before?” There you are, feeling all smug and clever, you and your idea. And then, something or someone makes you realize that, uh, that “original” idea has actually been around forever, and wow! You are JUST discovering this?

My mom was over at our house the other night, and she was keeping me company at the breakfast bar while I peeled zucchini. Yes, we eat zucchini. My kid is weird. Remind me to sometime tell you about the time when she was five years old and complained at a birthday party that pepperoni pizza was being served because COME ON, isn’t there any ASPARAGUS around here?  So, yes. We eat lots of healthy things at home because my kid – through no work of mine and only sheer luck – loves them.

Anyway. So there I was peeling away with my potato peeler, when my mom leaned in and said, “You know what?” She had a twinkle in her eye – one that told me she was about to share a very valuable secret with me. “I use that to peel potatoes instead of a knife!” She leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest, completely satisfied with herself. Confused, I looked around, looking for something other than the potato peeler in my hand that would be a significant discovery to ease the peeling of potatoes.
Seeing nothing, I motioned to the potato peeler in my hand. “What…this?”
“Yes!” she threw her arms up in a can-you-believe-it kind of way.

And this is where I had to be careful. Because there she was, so proud of her obvious resourcefulness; so willing to share her secret tips with her daughter; so sorry for me and my own sad lack of cleverness. I was missing out on so much. But I couldn’t help it: I was about to be one of those “ruiners”; those people who delight in setting others straight.
“Uh…mom?”
“Yes?”
“This? Is a potato peeler. You’re supposed to use it to peel potatoes."

The next Big Thing

She looked confused for a moment. I had in one simple sentence rendered her completely incapable of comprehension. And then, as it dawned on her, she started laughing - and could not stop. And I joined her. Because, really? How freaking cute is she?